Part 10: Lost, Trying to Forget, & Desperate. What happened?
By Ashley Huckabee
I spent a few days at my brother’s before returning home. Joe had finally cleared out, and although I didn’t feel safe, I wanted to get back to my life before this tragedy took place. My alcoholism had already spun completely out of control, but because I had no idea how to process everything that had happened, I dove even further into the bottle. On some level I guess I thought that if I drank enough, I could trick myself into believing that the past few months hadn’t actually happened, that it was just an elaborate nightmare.
Sadly, this approach was unsuccessful; the more I drank, the more acutely I felt the sorrow I had been attempting to numb. Because I didn’t possess any coping mechanisms, I mistakenly believed that in order to find the closure I needed, I had to continuously relive the horrific experience. This led me to a lot of unnecessary suffering because I was essentially re-traumatizing myself on a daily basis. I would have reached out for answers, but no one I knew had any; they all dealt with their issues the same way I did: addiction and denial.
I eventually decided to get in touch with “Mitch,” an old AA acquaintance and a man who I knew had feelings for me. Not an ounce of me reciprocated, but he was the one person I could be around and not feel embarrassed. His affections for me had blinded him, and I knew he would easily overlook the mess I had become. Something to know about Mitch though, is that he’s someone who had always given me the creeps. He was harmless enough, there was just something off-putting about him. Months later in therapy, I would come to the realization that a significant factor behind this choice in companion, was my not-so-subconscious desire for self-punishment. This insight explained so much. After getting out of such a volatile relationship, it was a mystery to me why I would have chosen someone that made my skin crawl.
To be continued…
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