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Part 11: Resignation, Selling my Soul, the Storm Within. What happened?

By Ashley Huckabee

There were many reasons why I chose Mitch even though I found him so revolting. This new “relationship” helped filled the void in my shattered psyche, provided security from Joe who was spending hours parked in front of my house, supported my habits, and served as a means of self-flagellation. Given the fact that I was an alcoholic, him being an enabler was something I also found extremely attractive. Despite meeting in AA, it was clear he had no interest in helping me quit drinking. It wasn’t that he didn’t care for me, but he knew that as long as I stayed intoxicated he could keep me in his clutches.

Mitch provided a level of stability after the recent chaos, and he made it his mission to keep me alive. His motives might not have been the purest, but I do believe that without him I would have met some type of tragic end. The very real threat of starvation, alcohol withdrawal and alcohol poisoning loomed over me at all times. Despite having absolutely no desire to live, I was terrified my son would find my body so I kept Mitch around. I knew that as long as I had him, I would have someone willing to provide me with food and alcohol until I could get my life together.

My decision to remain was influenced by a variety of needs, but the most significant were self-punishment and codependency. I had always believed that alcohol was my primary drug of choice; however, it didn’t take many years for me to discover that it was actually troubled men. I seemed drawn to individuals who shared my dysfunction and poor self image, and to a large extent, how I felt around Mitch mirrored how I saw myself: repulsive and willing to sell my soul for a drink. The convergence of all of these factors produced within me the perfect storm.

To be continued…

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